How Sweden Would Be Infinitely Better If Goblins Ruled It
Ah, Sweden.
A beautiful country.
Cold.
Expensive.
Over-regulated.
Full of paperwork.
And currently preparing to do something extremely dangerous:
Let humans choose the government.
Again.
The Swedish election is on 13 September 2026, and voters will choose representatives to the Riksdag, regions and municipalities.
I have watched humans do this repeatedly.
They stand in little booths.
They make little marks.
They choose little political parties.
Then they spend the next four years complaining about the consequences.
Brilliant system.
I have a better idea.
Let the goblins rule.
Obviously.
We are smaller.
Meaner.
Less patient.
And, most importantly, we already know everyone is lying.
THE GOBLIN SOCIAL DEMOCRATS
“EVERYONE GETS SOMETHING. ESPECIALLY IF WE CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO PAY FOR IT.”
The Goblin Social Democrats believe in the classic goblin principle:
Nobody gets left behind.
Mostly because nobody is allowed to leave.
Everyone contributes.
Everyone gets something.
Everyone sits around the communal fire.
Everyone gets healthcare.
Everyone gets education.
Everyone gets protection.
Everyone gets a warm blanket.
And everyone gets told:
“This is for the common good.”
Wonderful.
Then Krizbella discovers someone has taken three blankets.
“Who took three?”
Nobody answers.
“WHO TOOK THREE?”
Jugbite slowly raises his hand.
“I was cold.”
“You are wearing six coats.”
“I was very cold.”
This is why I cannot have a welfare state without armed goblins.
The Goblin Social Democrats would build an enormous public system.
It would be caring.
It would be expensive.
It would employ thousands of goblins to fill out forms explaining why they need permission to fill out another form.
Eventually a goblin would need a government appointment to apply for the appointment.
Very Swedish.
THE GOBLIN MODERATES
“TAXES ARE TERRIBLE. UNLESS THEY’RE PAYING FOR SOMETHING I LIKE.”
The Goblin Moderates believe in personal responsibility.
Excellent.
I like responsibility.
Especially when it belongs to someone else.
Their goblin kingdom would be sleek.
Efficient.
Competitive.
Everything would be optimized.
The treasury would have spreadsheets.
The goblin accountants would wear tiny suits.
The economy would be extremely important.
Everyone would be encouraged to work.
Work harder.
Work smarter.
Work longer.
And if you complain?
“Have you considered starting a company?”
Jugbite would open a business.
His company would sell stolen spoons.
I would ask how the business is doing.
“Excellent.”
“Profit?”
“None.”
“Customers?”
“Three.”
“Why are you successful?”
“I have a logo.”
Ah.
Capitalism.
THE GOBLIN SWEDEN DEMOCRATS
“BUILD A WALL AROUND THE CAVE. AND MAKE IT VERY CLEAR WHO IS ALLOWED INSIDE.”
The Goblin Sweden Democrats would be obsessed with borders.
Borders around the kingdom.
Borders around the cave.
Borders around the pantry.
Borders around Krizbella’s throne.
Especially that last one.
They would spend half the national budget building an enormous stone wall.
I would ask:
“What is it protecting us from?”
They would say:
“Everything.”
“Such as?”
They would gesture dramatically into the distance.
“Them.”
“Who?”
“Exactly.”
Very reassuring.
They would also introduce extremely strict goblin citizenship requirements.
Three years in the cave.
Perfect knowledge of goblin traditions.
Successful completion of the National Grumpiness Examination.
And absolutely no wearing shoes indoors.
I approve of the last one.
Obviously.
THE GOBLIN GREEN PARTY
“SAVE THE PLANET OR WE’LL TURN YOUR HOUSE INTO A MUSHROOM.”
The Goblin Greens would immediately declare the forest sacred.
No cutting trees.
No polluting rivers.
No destroying mushrooms.
No unnecessary travel.
No wasting resources.
No plastic.
No coal.
No oil.
No flying.
No driving.
No breathing unnecessarily hard because apparently even your carbon footprint needs a performance review.
They would build everything out of wood.
Then discover that cutting down trees is bad.
So they’d have a six-hour meeting about it.
Then form a committee.
Then form a committee to investigate the committee.
Then produce a 143-page report.
The report would conclude:
“We should probably have fewer committees.”
Beautiful.
Nature has won.
THE GOBLIN LEFT PARTY
“THE TREASURE BELONGS TO EVERYONE. HAND IT OVER.”
The Goblin Left Party would march directly into the royal treasury.
“That’s ours.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m the queen.”
“That’s an outdated power structure.”
“I agree.”
They would look surprised.
Then I’d add:
“So I’ve decided the treasure belongs to me personally.”
They would be furious.
This is what makes politics so entertaining.
Everyone wants equality until the goblin queen owns the gold.
Then suddenly everyone has very strong opinions about wealth distribution.
THE GOBLIN CENTRE PARTY
“WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE KNOWS WHERE THEY’RE GOING.”
The Goblin Centre Party would live in the countryside.
They would grow vegetables.
Raise goats.
Fix tractors.
And complain that nobody in Stockholm understands anything about rural Sweden.
They would also demand:
More roads.
Better internet.
More local services.
Less bureaucracy.
More support.
And preferably a government minister who has personally touched a tractor.
I respect them.
Mostly because they would be the only goblins who know how to fix the tractor after Jugbite inevitably drives it into a ditch.
THE GOBLIN CHRISTIAN DEMOCRATS
“FAMILY VALUES. TRADITION. AND PLEASE STOP THROWING BONES AT THE DINNER TABLE.”
The Goblin Christian Democrats would defend the family.
Strong families.
Traditional values.
Community.
Faith.
And the ancient goblin tradition of screaming at relatives over dinner.
They would create a national family policy.
Every goblin would be encouraged to have children.
Lots of children.
Then immediately discover that children are loud.
Very loud.
The government would reconsider.
THE GOBLIN LIBERALS
“EVERYONE IS FREE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. HERE ARE 47 RULES EXPLAINING HOW.”
Ah.
The Goblin Liberals.
They believe in freedom.
Wonderful.
Freedom of speech.
Freedom of choice.
Freedom of education.
Freedom of thought.
Freedom to make terrible decisions.
I approve.
Then they would produce a 200-page document explaining the legal framework surrounding your freedom.
I would burn it.
They would say:
“You can’t burn that.”
I would say:
“Why not?”
“It’s protected.”
“By what?”
“A regulation.”
Excellent.
Freedom achieved.
AND THEN THERE IS THE GOBLIN GOVERNMENT
This is where Sweden finally becomes great.
No coalitions.
No negotiations.
No endless parliamentary games.
No twelve-page agreements.
No political press conferences where everyone spends forty minutes explaining that they absolutely did not compromise.
The Goblin Government would have one simple rule:
If it works, keep it.
If it doesn’t work, fix it.
If nobody knows why it exists, burn the paperwork.
Finally.
Efficiency.
THE GOBLIN TAX SYSTEM
Taxes would be incredibly simple.
You keep some gold.
We take some gold.
You complain.
We ignore you.
Done.
No 700-page tax code.
No accountant.
No calculator.
No staring at your payslip wondering why your salary has apparently been kidnapped.
And for especially annoying citizens?
Goblin Tax.
An additional tax applied to people who say:
“I don’t really understand politics, but…”
No.
You don’t get to finish that sentence.
Pay up.
GOBLIN HEALTHCARE
Healthcare would be free.
Obviously.
You walk into the goblin clinic.
“I feel terrible.”
“What happened?”
“I fell off a roof.”
“Why?”
“Jugbite pushed me.”
“Jugbite!”
He is already gone.
The doctor treats you.
Then sends Jugbite a bill.
He can’t pay it.
So he cleans the clinic.
Socialized healthcare with consequences.
Perfect.
GOBLIN EDUCATION
Every goblin gets an education.
Reading.
Writing.
Mathematics.
History.
Science.
Critical thinking.
And one mandatory subject:
“How Not To Believe Every Idiot You Meet.”
It would be the most important class.
Unfortunately, half the students would fail.
Including Jugbite.
He would appeal.
His appeal would be rejected.
He would appeal the rejection.
Eventually he would become Minister of Education.
This is exactly why humans shouldn’t be allowed to run anything.
GOBLIN HOUSING POLICY
Housing crisis?
Solved.
Build more caves.
Next problem.
No 14-year investigation.
No 27 committees.
No developer saying:
“We’re cautiously optimistic.”
BUILD THE CAVE.
Move in.
Decorate.
Stop whining.
Honestly, humans make everything unnecessarily complicated.
GOBLIN TRANSPORT
Public transport would be free.
Fast.
Efficient.
And powered by extremely angry goblins pushing carts.
If the train is late?
A goblin appears.
“Why?”
“Snow.”
“It isn’t snowing.”
“Then I don’t know.”
“Where is the train?”
“Probably late.”
“Can I complain?”
“Yes.”
“Will anything happen?”
“No.”
At last.
Honesty in government.
GOBLIN FOREIGN POLICY
Sweden would have an extremely sophisticated foreign policy.
Step one:
Be polite.
Step two:
Don’t start fights.
Step three:
If someone attacks us…
Release the goblins.
That’s it.
No 14-hour summit.
No carefully worded statement.
No “deeply concerned.”
Just:
“You have made a terrible mistake.”
Then 400 goblins emerge from the forest.
Diplomacy completed.
THE GOBLIN ECONOMY
The goblin economy would be thriving.
Why?
Because goblins understand one fundamental economic principle:
People want shiny things.
Gold.
Jewels.
Coins.
Crowns.
Expensive cheese.
Anything sparkly.
We would manufacture shiny things.
Sell shiny things.
Tax shiny things.
Steal shiny things.
And then tax the stolen shiny things.
GDP would be magnificent.
Economists would cry.
I would ignore them.
GOBLIN DEMOCRACY
And yes.
Goblins would still have elections.
Obviously.
I’m not a dictator.
I’m a queen.
There’s a difference.
Every four years, goblins vote.
There would be seven parties:
- The Goblin Party
- The Other Goblin Party
- The Angry Goblin Party
- The Slightly Angrier Goblin Party
- The Anti-Jugbite Party
- The Pro-Jugbite Party
- The “Can We Please Just Get On With It?” Party
The last one would win.
Then immediately form a coalition with itself.
WHY GOBLINS WOULD DO BETTER
Because goblins have three things humans desperately lack:
Honesty.
Low expectations.
A complete absence of shame.
A goblin politician wouldn’t stand at a podium and say:
“We are cautiously optimistic.”
He’d say:
“We screwed it up. We’re fixing it tomorrow.”
A human politician wouldn’t dare.
A goblin would.
And then we’d fix it.
Or make it considerably worse.
But at least we’d admit it.
THE GOBLIN MANIFESTO
Our national priorities would be simple:
MORE TREASURE
Obviously.
BETTER SNACKS
National security depends on this.
MANDATORY NAPS
A rested goblin is slightly less dangerous.
FEWER MEETINGS
If something can be said in an email, send the email.
If it can be said in one sentence, use one sentence.
If it doesn’t need to be said…
SHUT UP.
LESS PAPERWORK
If I need three forms to prove I am me, I am going to become someone else.
MORE CAVES
Housing crisis solved.
PROTECT THE MUSHROOMS
Obviously.
KEEP KRIZBELLA AWAY FROM THE TREASURY
This proposal has been rejected.
THE FINAL QUESTION
Would goblins actually make the world better?
Absolutely.
Would we be nicer?
No.
Would we be more diplomatic?
Certainly not.
Would everyone agree with us?
Absolutely not.
Would everyone be happy?
Who cares?
That is the great mistake humans make.
They keep trying to make everyone happy.
You can’t.
Someone will always complain.
Someone will always be offended.
Someone will always demand more.
Someone will always write an angry Facebook post.
So why waste everyone’s time pretending otherwise?
Make the decision.
Own the decision.
Fix the mistakes.
Move on.
And stop holding seventeen meetings about whether the meeting needs another meeting.
KRIZBELLA’S FINAL VERDICT
I’ve looked at human politics.
I’ve looked at the parties.
I’ve looked at the promises.
I’ve watched the debates.
I’ve watched the polls.
I’ve watched grown adults scream at one another on the internet because someone put the wrong colour on a political chart.
And I’ve reached my conclusion.
Goblins should rule Sweden.
Not because we’re smarter.
Not because we’re nicer.
Not because we’re more qualified.
We’re simply less likely to pretend we’re something we’re not.
We’re greedy.
We’re grumpy.
We’re territorial.
We’re loud.
We’re stubborn.
We’re occasionally terrible.
But at least when a goblin steals your gold, he looks you directly in the eye and says:
“Yes. I stole your gold.”
No press conference.
No coalition negotiations.
No 48-page explanation.
No carefully worded statement.
Just honesty.
And frankly?
That’s more political transparency than I have seen in years.
So vote carefully, Sweden.
Choose your humans.
Or don’t.
Personally, I have already chosen.
The goblins.
And our first act in government will be to replace the entire Riksdag with one enormous mushroom.
It will probably make better decisions.
And unlike politicians…
it already understands how to share resources.
— Krizbella the Grim
Jugbite