By Krizbella the Grumpy Goblin Princess, Keeper of Low Expectations
Bah! Essen Spiel 2025 approaches, and once again the humans, elves, and cube-kissers are squealing like pigs in a bakery. “Oh Krizbella, isn’t it wonderful? Four whole days of new board games!” Wonderful? WONDERFUL?! Don’t make me gag on my own bile. Let me tell you what’s actually waiting inside those shiny halls of cardboard misery.
Cubes, Cubes, and More Rotten Cubes
Mark my words, I’ll walk into Hall 1 and be blinded by a tidal wave of painted wood. “Resources,” they call them. Grain, stone, iron, wool, “mystic cheese” — always cubes, never teeth or daggers. If I wanted to shuffle cubes all day, I’d just raid a dwarf’s pantry and be done with it. But no, humans will pay gold to shuffle cubes for hours and call it “deep strategy.” Deep as a puddle, more like.
Deluxe Disasters
Every year, some puffed-up publisher unveils a “Deluxe Edition.” What’s deluxe about it? Same boring rules, but now the box is the size of an ogre’s coffin. Shiny bits, plastic minis, and enough foil on the cards to blind a dragon. Oh, and the price? Twice what a goblin chieftain spends on a new spear. They’ll even brag: “It’s only 249 gold coins!” Pfah! For that, I could buy a barrel of ale, three goats, and still have coin left to bribe the town guard.
Crowds of Cardboard Cultists
Nothing worse than wading through the swamp of sweaty humans, each dragging tote bags heavier than a troll’s skull. They’ll line up for hours just to demo a game where they shuffle turnips and count victory points. Try getting through that mess with goblin legs. By the time I elbow through to the booth, some elf with shiny hair has bought the last copy. I swear, if one more human blocks my path with a baby stroller full of meeples, I’ll bite their ankles.
Same Stinkin’ Soup, New Label
Here’s how Essen works: Take last year’s big hit, slap a new theme on it, and call it innovation. Worker placement? Again. Deckbuilding? Again. Civilization-building with “unique asymmetry”? AGAIN! This time it’s not Rome, it’s Space Rome. Or Elf Rome. Or Post-Apocalyptic Goblin-Free Rome (my least favorite). The publishers will squeal: “It’s completely fresh!” Fresh like moldy bread.
The Fake Goblin Games
Do you think I’ll get one proper goblin game this year? One? Bah! Instead, I’ll see this nonsense:
- Cube Hoarders IV: The Reckoning – where you hoard cubes to trade for cubes.
- Sheep Lords Deluxe – comes with tiny wool minis and a 60-page rulebook about shearing.
- Meeple Empire 3000 – now with glow-in-the-dark meeples! Same rules, bigger price.
- Dungeon Without Goblins – HOW DARE THEY.
Every one of them an insult to my green goblin face.
My Rotten Conclusion
Essen Spiel 2025 will be the same as every year: overhyped, overcrowded, overpriced, and cube-obsessed. I’ll go, because someone has to scowl at the humans while they squeal over sheep tokens. But don’t you expect me to smile, or clap, or say, “Oh, what clever mechanics!” No. I’ll be there with arms crossed, crown crooked, and scowl sharpened to a dagger’s edge.
And if, by some miracle, I find a game about real goblins — stealing, snarling, stabbing, and hoarding shinies? Well… maybe I’ll grunt. Once. But don’t count on it.
Now get out of my swamp.
— Krizbella the Grim, Princess of Disappointment
High Chief Jugbite the Grim