Humans are gathering again for their sacred ritual of cardboard worship — Essen Spiel. Seven stinking halls full of sweaty rules-lawyers, overpriced pretzels, and too many shiny new boxes pretending to be “genius design.” Bah! Still, even a grumpy goblin like me has to admit, a few of these games might be worth snarling at louder than the others. Here’s my filthy list of the top 10 I’ll be glaring at this year.
1. ANTS (Cranio Creations)
Humans crawling around like insects? Finally some honesty. A game about ants building their filthy colonies, stealing food, and fighting for dominance. Sounds like a goblin family reunion.
2. 7 Wonders Dice (Repos Production)
As if the original wasn’t smug enough, now you can chuck dice to build wonders. Watch as humans pretend rolling dice is “strategy.” Bah! At least it’s faster than listening to them explain their tableau for half an hour.
3. Dirt & Dust (Albi)
A game where you scrabble around in filth and sand. Humans finally making a game about their natural environment — dirt and disappointment. If this comes with real dust, I’ll eat it.
4. Aquaria (Delicious Games)
Oxygen, fish, pearls, and humans pretending they understand ecosystems. Bah! I’ll play this just to drown my opponents in cardboard aquariums.
5. Echoes of Time (Cranio Creations)
Deck-building with sky pirates, forest creeps, and ocean weirdos, plus tiles that shove time around. Looks clever, but I bet it’s just humans fumbling combos until they trip into victory.
6. Galactic Cruise (Dranda Games)
Space tourism for humans! As if anyone wants to sit next to them on Earth, let alone in a tin can floating among the stars. I hope the game comes with vomit tokens.
7. Feya’s Swamp (Fractal Juegos)
Finally, a swamp game! About time you humans recognized the glory of muck, slime, and festering bogs. Feya can keep her swamp; I’ll be stealing the frogs.
8. The Hobbit: There and Back Again (Office Dog)
Ah yes, another retelling of that hairy-footed thief’s trip. As if we goblins need more reminders of dwarves barging into caves uninvited. Still, smashing adventurers never gets old.
9. Fearless (2F-Spiele)
Humans pretending they’re brave — ha! The title alone is the biggest joke at the fair. I bet it’s full of timid choices and nervous giggling. I’ll play it just to prove how scared they really are.
10. Age of Galaxy (Second Edition) (Portal Games)
Another galaxy-building game where humans think they’re mighty emperors. Bah! If goblins ruled the stars, we’d fill them with smoke, mushrooms, and exploding moons. At least a second edition means they admitted they messed up the first time.
So there you have it — ten shiny new distractions to lure humans away from sensible activities, like hitting each other with sticks. Essen Spiel 2025 will be a sprawling mess of cardboard towers, whiny rule arguments, and overpriced sausages… and I’ll be there, sneering at every booth.
Now tell me, squishy readers — what miserable boxes are you drooling over for Spiel 2025?
Krizbella