Uuuuugh. Malmö Game Week. Just saying it makes my tusks itch. The humans squeal and flap like pixies on sugar: “It’ll be amazing, Krizbella! Tournaments! Reveals! Card games!” Card games?! Don’t get me started.
Every hall I stomp through will be stuffed with nerds clutching decks like they’re sacred relics. Pokémon, Lorcana, Magic… bah, all the same! Humans shuffling cardboard and pretending it matters. “Look, I pulled a shiny rare!” What do you do with it? Frame it? Sell it? Cry over it? None of those involve stabbing anyone, so what’s the point?
Magic players, with their smug combos — “infinite mana, infinite life.” Oh, congratulations, you broke your own game. Should I clap? No, I’ll flip your deck into the swamp. Lorcana players babbling about singing princesses while goblins like me rot without a single card. Where’s the Goblin Queen of Scowls card, hmm? Nowhere! And Pokémon? Don’t talk to me about Pokémon. Hundreds of creatures, not one goblin. Not one! You’ve got an ice cream cone monster, but no goblin. I’d rather eat the booster packs than play.
And it’s not just the cards. The whole convention will reek. The scent of burnt hotdogs, overpriced merch, and the sweat of gamers who forgot soap exists. Rows of booths promising “the next big hit” that’s just more cube-pushing nonsense. Crowds shuffling like trolls in a fog. Cosplayers painted green calling themselves “goblins,” smiling like fools. We don’t smile! We scowl until our faces crack!
So here’s my grand prediction: Malmö Game Week 2025 will be a swamp of disappointment. A noisy parade of plastic minis, soulless card slinging, and humans patting themselves on the back for their “creativity.” I’ll be there, arms crossed, crown crooked, glaring at every last one of them.
And if some fool actually shows me a real goblin game — with ankle biting, table flipping, and proper swamp rules — then maybe I’ll grunt in approval. Maybe. Otherwise? I’ll declare the whole fest cursed before it even starts.
— Krizbella the Grim, Princess of Disappointment
High Chief Jugbite the Grim