By Krizbella the Grim, Princess of Disappointment
Listen here, humans. I, Krizbella the Grim, Princess of Disappointment, was forced to play King of Tokyo Duel, and let me tell you: it’s another glittery human box of nonsense. You’d think a game with monsters smashing each other in Tokyo would at least be fun for a goblin like me. WRONG. Let me explain why this cardboard circus belongs at the bottom of a swamp.
“King of Tokyo Duel.” Hah! The name alone made me squint. I thought, Finally! A proper smash-fest with claws, fire, and maybe some teeth. But no… it’s another shiny box of dice, cards, and rules that try far too hard to look exciting.
The humans keep bragging: “Oh, the dice are so big and chunky!” Big? Chunky? Bah! They’re still just lumps of plastic with little symbols. Claws, hearts, energy cubes, stars… what’s the point? Can I bite a star? No. Can I throw an energy cube at Jugbite’s head? Apparently not. Goblins don’t need three rolls to settle fate. One roll. Winner takes the cheese. That’s how it’s done.
Ah yes, cards — humans can’t live without them. The so-called “power cards” promise strength and chaos. Lies! They’re expensive, fiddly, and half of them sound like rejected goblin jokes. “Nuclear Power Plant.” Bah. In goblin rules, the card would just say “Kaboom, everyone loses teeth”. That’s how you write flavor.
This is where I got truly offended. Monsters from every corner of imagination — dragons, robots, tentacle things, even a ridiculous bunny mech. BUT NOT ONE GOBLIN. You call this chaos? Goblins are chaos incarnate! The whole game should’ve been King of Tokyo: Goblin Edition. I demand reparations.
Oh, don’t make me laugh. They call this a duel? Sitting politely across the table, rolling dice like accountants? That’s not a duel — that’s math homework dressed up in monster pajamas. A real duel is mud, teeth, claws, and someone running away crying. Ideally the human.
The board is flashy, the colors bright, the city buildings wobbly. It LOOKS like smashing Tokyo should be fun. But once you’ve played a round, it’s just re-rolls and collecting cubes. Where’s the smoke, the rubble, the chaos? If I’m stomping Tokyo, I want actual screaming cardboard humans fleeing in terror. None of that here. Just neat little rules and polite dice.
The Verdict
King of Tokyo Duel is noisy, colorful, and flashy, but in the end it’s just hollow dice-chucking disguised as a monster brawl. For goblins, it’s boring. For humans, maybe it’s thrilling — but then again, humans clap at cube games.
Krizbella’s Rating: 2 Mushrooms out of 10.
- One mushroom for the artwork (the monsters at least look angry).
- One mushroom for letting me yell “SMASH TOKYO!” before storming off.
The rest? Into the swamp it goes.
High Chief Jugbite the Grim