First off, they say it’s a “two-player” game. Two. Players. That’s not a duel, that’s just two goblins glaring at each other over cardboard. Where’s the chaos? Where’s the backstabbing? I want twelve goblins screaming and stealing resources, not polite turn-taking.

And these wonders you’re supposed to build? Pah! Fancy pyramids and gardens! Why would I waste my precious brick and stone making some frilly temple when I could be building a proper goblin trap pit? Plus, they cost so many resources you basically have to sell your goblin soul to finish one.

Oh, and the military track… You just move a little token back and forth, like some sad tug-of-war for civilized folk. If I win a military battle, I expect fire, destruction, and the enemy’s hut in pieces—not a smug little “You advanced three spaces.”

Don’t get me started on the science symbols. “Collect six for an instant win!” they say. Oh yes, because nothing screams fun like losing to someone who hoarded compasses while you were busy building an army. That’s not science, that’s witchcraft.

In short: Too civilized, too polite, and too much thinking, not enough smashing. If you want my advice, toss the box in the swamp, get some sticks, and settle your disputes the goblin way—loudly and with a lot of broken furniture.

Final score: 2 out of 10 rusty daggers. Would not raid again.

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